Bishop Ackerman Quits BASEBALL!

Quintessential Quinciensis
by The Rt. Rev. Keith L. Ackerman, SSC

In spite of a lifetime of being brought up in baseball, I am quitting baseball.  I have had it!  I have quite a few reasons for my decision, and here there are!

baseball fieldToday I could not find a parking place, but when I did they wanted money for me to park! That means I had to drive around numerous lots, and then when I found a spot not only did I have to pay, but I had to walk a great distance just to get inside the ballpark.  It became worse.  I had to pay to get into the game!  These people should simply be happy that I came to see them.  Then – nobody said hello to me.  Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, I had to wait in line to go to the bathroom!  Can you believe it?

Then I went to my seat.  The people around me had no respect.  They talked, they blocked my view, and they expected me to pass money down the line to a man holding a bottle of water that cost more than what I usually pay for lunch!  Everywhere I went there was someone trying to sell something.  I also find the times to be inconvenient.  They are too late at night for me, since I go to bed at 10 P.M.  Besides – who decided to add lights at the ballpark to force us to come at night? Then there are the games that are in the middle of the day when I take my nap.  Now here is my complaint about the manager.  I have waited in line to talk to him, and he is too busy for me.  If I show up – he should give me some of his time, after all what I pay to go to this game helps to pay his salary.  Plus – one of the ushers offended me by telling me to move from the aisle.  I don’t have to put up with that.  I was a baseball fan before he was born.

Then there are all the changes.  It wasn’t like this when I was a boy!  Designated hitters, artificial grass – when Ford Frick was the Baseball Commissioner we didn’t have any of this.  And those uniforms – artificial materials.  Wool uniforms were good enough for Babe Ruth!!  AND they expect me to come to all of those extra games.  When I was a boy and Danny Murtaugh was the manager we had 150 games – not 162.  And the best team in the National League played the best team in the American League.  It was simple – no playoffs. Too many rules have changed.  Abner Doubleday would be furious.

Now they want me to give them my email address so that they can send me information about what is coming up next.  I want to enjoy baseball in my own way.  So I am staying away.  If they want me back, they will have to invite me personally.  After all my grandfather and my father paid a lot of money to keep that ball park open during the Depression.  So, on baseball days I will sit in my chair and think about the former baseball players.  That’ll teach the new players a lesson!

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